Bretts Story

Brett’s own history of substance use began with cigarettes at age 10, marijuana at 13 and then alcohol at 15. From then on his life spiralled downwards. With a background of emotional and physical abuse he became a binge-drinker. His teenage years passed in a blur of alcohol and marijuana. At 23 he went clubbing and tried ecstasy and loved the way it made him feel; all inhibition was gone and he couldn’t believe how connected he felt to other people. He chased that state with ecstasy for as long as possible. When it started to lose its effects he discovered cocaine and was hooked within a week. When the cocaine drought hit, he turned to speed and then ice and quickly became addicted to that.

Throughout the subsequent years of drug abuse and addiction, Brett battled severe depression. The more drugs he used the worse it got. But he couldn’t stop. He checked into Drug Rehab twice in 12 months and also tried antidepressants but felt spiritually dead and not himself. By the time he was 30 he entered a period of intense drug abuse, he went through his savings, cashed in his shares, took out a loan against his car and spent it all on drugs. He sold everything he owned at pawn-brokers. In his final binge he spent $17,000 in ten days. His family and friends totally lost faith in him. He lost his home, his car and his job. He was even reduced to sleeping in public toilets for a brief time. His doctor gave him a one percent chance of being able to beat his addictions and survive. Brett desperately wanted to stop and once again entered into a rehab program. After two weeks he was asked to leave because he wanted to talk about the spiritual experiences he felt he had had on drugs.

DEPRESSION

For Brett life seemed to stop whenever he stopped using drugs. He was obsessed for years about drug-taking and after drugs Thursday to Sunday nights (the nights he used to binge) were extremely difficult to deal with. He experienced terrible depression and ongoing psychosis and cravings. He slid into a vortex of pain and depression. Feeling angry, sad, hopeless and emotionally and spiritually dead, he would shut the doors, close the blinds, take the phone off the hook and make the house as dark as possible. He would sometimes sit in a dark cupboard all day long and avoid people for months. All sense of human connection was gone, all feeling was gone and without drugs he didn’t know how to find it again. His life was purely about pain, darkness and fear: the fear of using drugs again but also the fear of the condemnation and judgement that using again would bring on.

He was trapped in an inner hell that went on 24 hours a day, seven days a week. His body ached from the inside out and he felt he was drowning in pain. He kept returning to drug use to stop the sadness and make the blackness go away - even for a few hours. Afterwards though, the pain and darkness was amplified a thousand times over. He tried to sleep to avoid the depression but ended up with disturbed sleep patterns and terrifying panic attacks. The worst part was not knowing if it was going to ever end, if the cloud would ever lift or if there was any hope.

CRAVINGS

Cravings became the centre of Brett’s universe. When they hit he would feel unstable, aggressive, irrational, manipulative and desperate. It seemed that the only thing that could make them stop was taking drugs again. This would allow him to feel comfort, peace and a connection with humanity. He tried NA and AA but the idea of fighting the cravings seemed to intensify the problem

PSYCHOSIS

Brett also went through serious psychosis which started after about 2 years of amphetamine use. After one particularly big binge, he became extremely paranoid. He drove around in circles thinking that people were following him, he was sure there were surveillance cameras mounted everywhere and he called the police to report it. That episode lasted for about two weeks, but every time he returned to the area it happened in, it would ignite it again. All sorts of things could set the psychosis off and he ended up unable to look anyone in the eye for two years and could not hold a conversation with anyone as it would bring on panic attacks or terrible visions. He could not go to clubs or even to public places for two years without looking over his shoulder. His life was a nightmare that never ended.

SPIRITUAL REDEMPTION

Then one day, while sitting at his computer online in a drug-haze, Brett had a life-changing spiritual experience. He sensed a spirit or presence beside him. He felt this presence was downloading information for him about how he needed to live his life. It was as if he had a guide with him working through his whole life and talking to him about his future. Brett had the insight that he had to go through the process of the addiction and despair to be able to help others. The vision of opening a healing centre for drug-users came to him and he understood that everything he had been through was a part of the process. But he was also told that if he kept taking the drugs he would meet absolute destruction. He knew that but also knew that he had to go as low as he possibly could, to know that he could come back from rock bottom.

Brett knew this was a real experience because in the state he was in, he was far too ‘selfish’ to have ever come up with a vision like that. He wrote down everything the spirit had said. That experience was the driving force in his recovery. It showed him what he wanted to do with his life and gave him purpose. Brett did keep using drugs for several more months but during that time he wrote his business plan and knew things could change and that he had the strength to make his vision a reality. He kept reading his plan over and over again and it slowly became more real.

Brett began giving up drugs by doing hard physical work in the country for a few months until he felt strong enough to face his old environment again. The symptoms of psychosis kept coming back though and he had to start making changes in his life to avoid this. He stopped staying up late, gave up coffee and eating junk food. After he quit drugs he put on a lot of weight but this forced him to start dieting and exercise and he saved up money and got a personal trainer. He went from 142 – 90 kilos in 18months. He did a massage course and that stopped the cravings for a month. He was inspired and became a voluntary trainee at the massage school. This put him on the path.

Throughout all the terrible experiences Brett had, he always had the underlying feeling that there was a purpose in his life, that he could turn his terrible past into something of benefit. He now believes that the long periods of depression allowed him to deal with the suppressed pain of his past and the abuse that he had kept buried in his psyche. It allowed him to really explore his deepest fears. The cravings showed him that he was resourceful beyond what he had imagined and they became a force driving him forward to achieve his goal and find inner peace. The psychosis made him seek a more balanced life. He knew how devastating the harsh judgement of others about drug-users was, and all of this inspired him to find a new drug recovery model. The pieces slowly fell into place when he worked out what his ideal recovery would have been: a process of self-realisation and empowerment, not guilt and judgement.

Brett lives his dreams now. He devotes two hours each morning to his exercise, spiritual practice, yoga and Qi-gong and really lives each day to the fullest.